A penny for my soul

" Cant you see that I'm lost in a sea of you. I'd rather drown in your shadows that swim in someone else's light"- Perry Poetry

I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. Other times I hate you with every thing in my soul. I hate that you came into my life when I wasn't whole. I hate that I'm sitting here struggling to put down the words that you will never read, just to get them out of my head. 

 I love that you showed me what being happy feels like even if it is for a short while. I almost picture us together in the end. Only to be dragged back to a reality that it is never going to fucking happen. So I take the knife that you hand me to free you from me. severing the tie between us, it was a cowardly move to save myself from hurting you. Which I will eventually do, we were never meant to be. The sooner I get that through my head the better. Sometimes I let myself daydream about what if? What if I told you I love you more than I love myself. Would you laugh? would you shrug me off and say I don't mean it. Would you believe me when I say I would kneel on broken glass if it meant you would love me. That I would drown myself in your hatred just to be close to you. .. Maybe one day ill believe.. you giving me a piece of yourself  even if its only for a short while. Amuse yourself with me-use me till there's nothing left of me to give. Ruin me for anyone else. all the while keep yourself whole. Ready to slip away the moment I step over the line. The minute I forget that I mean nothing to you drag me back down,bruise me again so I know my place. Leave me to suffer alone in the end but come back to me for now. Let me forget for just a while... 

The time between

I was never much a keep track of things kind of person. I didn't measure time or set alarms. I would show up when I showed up and made the most of whatever time I had left. Since loosing my dad I've counted every minute that passes. The space where his presence once was is now measured in seconds, minutes and hours. Each tick of the clocks hand more painful then the last. Does it make me fucked up that I am more conscious of how I am wasting my life away then before he left.. Why does it take loosing someone to fix yourself and be a decent human being.  I worry I will forget and I know now that once the moments gone I will never get it back. It becomes a memory that will fade when I leave this place. 

I make more time for people than I did before dad left. I used to live with the philosophy that you can always hang out later, catch up on the weekend, respond to that text another day. They will always be there so it doesn't matter much right? well here's a little bong smoke for you if you are really asking yourself.. it fucking matters..

I laugh at the naive person I was. Wishing and praying that I could go and snatch those seconds back. Greedy and wanting more from a bowl that was long ago emptied. I look back and can't believe how wasteful I was. Precious minutes pouring down the drain like yesterday's coffee. Minutes that I would give my last breath to have more of..

These are some of the thoughts that keep me awake at 2am. wondering is it time to get up yet? Would someone miss me if I was gone? Did I make the most of every second? I guess Ill never know.